New Bios
Melvin Melman
What are the odds that somebody with the last name Melman would be named Melvin by his parents? One might think this is impossible, but it all makes sense once you meet this well rounded individual. Melvin has been known to participate in a fair bit of tomfoolery and his aggressive style of play has consistently resulted in slappings to the face. However, he has weathered the storm with his silly grin intact and continues to lend a hand whenever possible, especially when he has the chance to leave his mark on the Southeast region. Having already mastered the ancient bust and run technique, Melvin’s next goal is to learn how the hell to get of a van.
“Could you guys please stop slapping me in the face?”
Andrew Hiltzik
When walking on the frisbee field, you should be watchful, for this is the territory of Kong. Illegally smuggled in on a Burmese freighter, he has completely overwhelmed the natural habitat, bringing the local species to tears. Using highly evolved solitary stalking tactics, Kong has made it a point to obliterate the delicate male/female ratio, decimating the mating prospects of the indigenous males in the process. Whether bushwacking the jungles of Tybee, or prowling the campus of Wash U, Kong’s ferocity on the field leaves a vicious wake.
“My coconut gun fires in spurts, if I shoot ya, it’s going to hurt”
“He’s bigger, stronger and faster too. He’s the first member of the DK crew. DK, Donkey Kong is here.”
Ross Welch
Where is Ross Welch? If you don’t see him, odds are he is out searching for the way to The Titty Bar. After long nights of 411, voicemail marathons, and ruthless wrestling matches with gorgeous girls on the beach, many hopeful nights have ended in agony for Ross with the sound of his cell phone solidly smashing, smacking, and smushing against the slick side of the ice box. As a grad student, Ross disdains such childish activities as Beirut, and prefers higher-stakes games that require more advanced concentration levels such as Vodka-rut.
Yaz
Adam Yazinow, one of Duke’s most intense ultimate players. Singlehandedly giving Duke the fire they needed to upset Purdue in Low Tide, this little ball of fury embodies the cliché of a big heart in a little man.
Wyatt Crane
A true Mexican gourmet in every sense of the two words, Wyatt demonstrates exceptional skill at rolling burritos. What kind of burritos do you say? Small and well formed, his burritos (burrititos in Spanish) will never rupture. They contain the perfect blend of herbs and spices, tantalizing the taste buds of avid fans Gareth Marshall and The Mister. These burritos never fail to leave your stomach and mind growling, howling, and yowling for more. He is also very good at baking.
“Dude, pass the burrito.”
Spencer Graham
Once upon a time there lived a young man named Spencer Graham. One fateful night, young Spencer took a magical journey to the woods where he encountered a small cottage with a carraige outside of it. Nervous about his upcoming duties as coachman for the Kings of Tybee, Spencer clamored into the carraige and clutched the reins, eager to learn the lay of the land. However, squire Spencer realized something was amiss-there were no unicorns to draw the carraige. Suddenly, a magical robin fluttered down and perched atop the carraige. Spencer aqueried this magical bird, “Tell me robin, wherest might I find a pair of two fine unicorns to propel this carraige. Oh robin, oh robin, will you please conjure a pair of unicorns, oh great, wise, and studly robin?” The magical robin retorted, “Hark Spence, you are far too merry to drive.” And it was true, and Spencer went to bed.
“I want to practice being D.D.”
A-Team
Alex AdairechevYegor V. Adarichev is the scariest thing to come across the Russian border since Ivan Drago and contraband nukes. Something of a Russian rocket himself, “Alex” is a connoisseur of contra history. Despite the fact that his attempts at drinking a disc have been thwarted by fellow members puking into his frisbee, Alex remains a die-hard beer lover, disdaining lesser drinks. A lanky athlete with blazing speed, his play can only be described as… “Güüd”.
Stan Parker
The heir apparent to the title of the team’s “biggest little man,” is convinced that God hates him as evidenced by many unfortunate poker defeats. Unfortunately for Stan “The Man” Parker, God also hates him on the ultimate field as proven irrefutably by the numerous blows to the head he has received from his mentor … all accidental … maybe.
Brian Stowe
A cheesehead with an absurd tolerance for pain, Brian Stowe lives life on the edge. Whether spiking the punch or spiking the disc in the endzone after a layout grab (“I just had to…”), our Don Juan de Contra does not shirk from his duties on the field. From chasing down hucks to fielding Simon’s blazing laser flick, Stowe is as much a presence on the field as he is at a party.
Gareth Marshall
With the tragic departure of William Garcia and Paul Rogers' failed attempt to convince the UPA that the University of Reno and Wash. U. were one and the same, a gaping void was left in the Contra ranks. Gareth Marshall, undaunted, stepped forth to the proud position of Contra Stoner. While he attained campus-wide notoriety for enduring George's groping clad in only a disc on the back cover of Student Life, Gareth is more famous for playing hard and partying hard. Gareth's drinking rampages, fueled by a liver sprung from the dark laboratories of the biomedical engineering building, are only stopped by alcohol shortages, easy women, and hundred-yard sprints followed by brutal injuries when curb-navigation proves too difficult. Whether showing up late and stoned or breaking his hand laying out, Gareth's intensity is always welcome at Contra.
Alex Drlica-Wagner
Alex, the dazzling handle of our defensive line, is most famous for his shapely legs. Known far and wide by his stage name in Vegas, “Longshanks”, Alex is masterfully calm on offense. His long years as a male stripper have taught him that what’s most important is to come up big in the clutch, a talent he brings to the frisbee field. When he is not busy pole-dancing for C-notes in front of howling crowds of ladies, or leading the “Lavender Butterflies” (his 3 on 3 club team), we at Contra are happy to have him.
Charles Gronek
A quick learner and voracious student of the game, Charlie was the first member of Contra to fully integrate the teachings of Mike Geirrichs (sp?). Visualizing the plywood, including not only steps 1 and 3 but also the elusive step 2 into his backhands, he has been rumored to be working on the advanced "Peterson Cut" technique. Charlie is also something of a renaissance man - he revamped the Contra Webpage in less time than it took J.T. to change "Jeff Chai" to "George". If that comparison follows through to ultimate ability, he may even learn to lay out before his senior year. When he finally masters "Chicken Parm" and "Bamboo"...then Charlie will be a DANGEROUS addition to Contra.
Marcus Behrens
With the attendance of one Arthur LeBlance flagging, Marcus has taken it upon himself to learn the art of Ultimate Pimpin'. Quickly understanding that in the fine sport of frisbee, style is everything, Marcus has adopted a system of elaborate fakes and flourishes designed to dazzle the damsels, if not the man guarding him. The Mikey-fake backhand, the Wave-at-the-bitches forehand, and the wildly popular hammer into the ground are just a few of the techniques that Marcus will be displaying at tournaments near you.
Fan Yang
His friends call him The Oscillator. The natives of the North Carolina awarded him the honorific of Hands-In-Pockets. There are many names, and many aspects to their heir apparent Asian of Contra. Questions about his murky past abound. Who is he? Where does he come from? What does he use to lube up his hands before games? From the amount of time he spends on the phone with his girlfriend, we can assume he does not go au naturale. When he finds his way to practice, accidentally or bullied by George, Fan is a great addition to the team. After all, there has to be somebody who Simon can beat up.
Jake Levitas
Can I get a bio? Dude, WTF?
Mike Maldazys
As one of WUWU’s Top 5 cutest Contras, Magneto provides baller skills on and off the field. Described by a spring break girl as having “those cute dimples and curly golden locks,” Magneto has set many girls’ hearts aflutter, lighting a subtle fire in their loins. Amazingly, he has successfully “gamed” over 50% of all attempted female targets while demanding upwards of $20 for his phone number and requesting that they make out with Drew first. In the daytime, Magneto uses his uncanny powers to attract the disc into his hand as he flies by his man. And now that he has made the conscious decision to “try really hard at ultimate and become a huge baller,” there will be no stopping him. Magneto is level 30!
Michael Baill
Despite the generous contract offers and seductive bonuses by the general manager, the team’s #1 recruit held out until the Spring semester, much to the chagrin of the Contra fan base. Throughout his holdout, the Mister continually brought detrimental media attention to the team by posting on various Internet forums about internal team matters, including Stan Parker’s controversial standing on the Wolf issue. When asked by eager fans about what he planned to bring to the team’s 3-3-1 clam line, the Mister snidely replied: “Defense? I compiled a 125.7 HER* at Easterns last year and you want to talk about defense? Defense doesn’t win games. I do. Huck or die!”
*Hucker Efficiency Rating as defined by Elias Sports Bureau: [[Total hucks completed – total cubits of vertical leap by receivers + total angle of broken mark in radians]* (total # of times finger pointed before throw)]/(4.8cubits*2π*)]
B-Team
Brendan Calhoun
Since his appearance at the Ultimate Fighting Championships, Brendan has claimed the title of World’s Strongest Contra and earned the venerable nickname of “The Skull Crusher.” He counts drinks almost as well as he counts reps in The Gym and keeps partying until he really feels the burn. There is only one known substance that kryptonites this beast of a man – a lethal mixture of pickle juice and Choi sauce.
Drew Goodman
Why does Drew feel compelled to drink 5 beers before 11AM? Perhaps something happened the night before that he doesn’t want to remember. The incident may have faded from everybody’s memory had it not been for Matt Chaplin’s handy camerawork. With one hand raised triumphantly in the air, Drew’s promiscuity levels skyrocketed to a height never before seen on Contra. While Drew’s ability to perform well in front of a large crowd astounded everyone, his gracious and unselfish nature was revered by many. By countering his awkwardness with bad decision making, Drew proved once again that there is nothing he can’t do while drunk.
Jay Werber
If you hear a subtle pitter-patter on the field after a pull, be prepared to see Jay Werber flying down the field ready to lay down some vicious defense. Calling his shots right and left like the mighty Ruth, Jay will always alert the sideline of an impending Callahan. A very vocal player, Jay was once rumored to have called 15 picks on a single cut and over 20 “f**k you”’s in a single night. It seems he was very touchy about the sparkling silver phallus hanging from his neck.
Jon Mueller
To the beach he ran with glee
From Drew’s hand he did not flee
With his clothes shod far behind
Frigid water on his mind
O’er the dunes with glistening cheeks
Moonlight hashing silver streaks
Into eternity they have gone, oh
Diabolical Drew and Mono Jono.
Ryan Choi
Ryan Choi is the lone member of the team who has repeatedly engaged in premeditated incidental contact with the opposition. The ending of a point has never stopped Ryan Choi from delivering a sick knee to the temple of a deep cutter. While some players throw flicks, Choi throws ‘bows. Cookies, brownies, big hits and coughing fits have been known to tranquilize the boisterous Choi, but the juggernaut never sleeps for long…
Lucky Numbers: 4, 7, 11, 22, 41
Winston Chang
Winston’s hobbies include throwing up into other people’s discs and deeply penetrating the nether reaches of Jay Werber’s aural canal. When asking James Wang to escort him back from the airport, Winston confessed to James that he was afraid of getting lost on the Metrolink. Upon his arrival at the airport, James greeted Winston with an array of gifts, including flowers, chocolates and a Build-a-Bear named “I mised you.” Taking Winston by the hand, James fought off minotaurs and skeletons and guided Winston along the treacherous labyrinth that is the five-stop, straight line, single-rail, one-directional ride from the airport directly to the Wash U’s campus. When Winston refused to dirty his new shoes in the puddles left from a recent shower, James gently swept him up into his arms and bravely delivered his heterosexual life mate to the safety of his doorstep.
Winston was overheard later saying that he is the woman in the relationship.
Classic Contra Profiles
AJ Encisco
This man’s garish and glaring personality will blind you at twenty paces. He is truly the life of the team, as he sits quietly, pensively, in deep reflective thought … probably about ultimate … right?
Arthur Leblanc
(Sober)
Simon says “Arthur, I’m making fun of you, say something!”
Favorite Quote:“…”
(Drunk)
A knight by day, by night Arthur becomes Smoove Jivin’ Artie. Ho’s to the left, Johns to the right, Artie is the wily pimp with a PHD (Pimpin’ Hos Degree) that puts the product on the street. Whether collecting money from his stable, or putting deviant bitches under pimp arrest, Artie is a player on an international scale. Putas from South America, Houri from Arabia, Strumpfe from Germany…they all harken to the man with the Ultimate bling. Easily recognizable at any party by his gaudy platinum jewelry and omnipresent pimp cane (or “bitch-be-quick stick”), you’d best hide your ladies when Smoove Jivin’ Artie comes around.
Favorite Quote: “I got them Croatian bitches”
Chris Ward
(Editor’s Note: The following conversation occurred before the writing of this bio. Ñ: “Just because he likes the room cold, doesn’t mean we can say ‘The Iceman Cometh...’...or DOES IT?!”))
The Iceman cometh, again, and the world of Contra shall never be the same. Heralding from the frozen northlands of New York with his red striped socks pulled up to his knees, St. Louis first heard his pounding footsteps 3 years ago. Though at the time, the heat of the Contra Flame was too hot for the Iceman, when the long winter cast a pall upon the land, and the waning moon rained down its pale radiance over Francis Field, he cast his lot with Contra. Though spring arrives, the Iceman stay his rime-rimmed hand, and continue to work the chilly O on behalf of the Bears.
George Hughes-Strange
George Hughes-Strange, known on the street as “Gorgeous”, is a monstrous presence on and off the frisbee field. At tournaments opposing teams are treated to the fearsome sight of George breaking through a clump of people like the Kool-aid man, with the accompanying “Oh yeah!”. Off the field, George is a champion of boat races and an organizer of Roshambo tournaments with cruel and unusual torments in store for the loser (See also: John Thomas). Always bringing his intensity to the field, George wows his adoring fans, especially in hat tournaments, and has received requests for the seed of his loins to spawn the ultimate Ultimate player.
Jeff Glassberg
Jeff Glassberg is, in fact, the only member of Contra who is allergic to grass. That’s right - this stalwart covers himself from head to toe every game, and bids nonstop into the very substance which poisons him. An old and sage handle for the defensive line, Jeff also doubles as team medic. With his extensive med-school training, Jeff is always on hand with precise proscriptions such as “Take an ibuprofen”, “Take two ibuprofen”, and “Wow. Something’s broken - take four ibuprofen”. For a team prone to injuries from wrestling, playing intramural sports, and beating off (thank you, Simon), Glass is a godsend
Ian Orland
I.O. is one inquisitive mofo. He is constantly bewildered by the fact that he doesn’t receive the disc every other throw, as displayed by his cries of, “WHAT?!” On the positive side … he’s not short.
Jon Thomas
Greeting you with, “Hey Sup Braw (bro)” or “Yo playa”, this man when asked to assume wingman duties merely replies “Yo braw, I’m all over that shit” …. Word …
Dave Miller
Take a wild guess where he got this name from? He spends more time in the toilet at a tourney than he does playing ultimate. With his shit-eatin’ grin he has delayed many returns home (the above portion has been censored) .. helookslikesideshowbob.
Sushant Govindan
A furious defender with the soul of a poet, Sush brings a new meaning to passive aggression. Having evoked a cry of “If you fucking touch me again, I’ll kill you” from an furious geriatric, Sush responded by giving the man a hug. What do you say to a man like that, who screams in anguish when his man touches the disc, but then gives out affection with the frequency of an under-priced Burmese harlot? We here at Contra know just what we’re sayin’: Sush keep up the lovin’, and keep up the layin’. Peace out.
Olawale Hassan
Interested in ultimate ever since he saw DragonBallZ, Wale's acceptance into Contra fulfills yet another one of our diversity requirements. Wale plays every game with a casual disregard for the laws of physics most commonly found in bad anime. Waving aside plebeian principles postulated by fools such as Bernoulli and Newton, he employs his massive airbounce flick to devastating effect on the field. An authority on matters ranging from the location of Kansas City to the capacity of an average wolf in gladiatorial combat, Wale brings an intellectual cunning to Contra.